mom

Her son shows up in her contacts list as "Uterus Turd"

Just in case.

Rather than clean his room, the child fled the safety of his suburban home and foraged for Twinkie crumbs and Velveeta wrappers in the neighbors' garbage.

...and what shows up whenever my ex calls:

This is only a step away from your mom tying a picture of Chris Pine to her face whenever you sit down for a family dinner.