mom

But really you'll just be alone with your "interests."

...and what shows up whenever my ex calls:

Rather than clean his room, the child fled the safety of his suburban home and foraged for Twinkie crumbs and Velveeta wrappers in the neighbors' garbage.

Whenever anyone says "it's me" via text, you can safely assume that he or she is over the age of 50 and has been texting for fewer than one year.

Is she the one who threw her undergarments onstage last Saturday?

Hmmm, if only there were some way that your phone would let you talk to the person on the other end, instead of having to send text messages of 200 characters or less. Sure would be convenient.

Text messages are basically like phone calls but with reading.