Mom: Were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?
Me: And who's fault would that be?
Mom: ...No comment.
Stepdad: When I die, have me cremated. Then, put my ashes in the compost.
Me: Why would we put you in the compost?
Stepdad: So you can put it on the vegetables and eat me!
Mom: No! I'm not eating you! Not when you're dead anyway.
Mom: Can I have some ice cream?
Mom: I'll give you sex.
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