mother

Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...

(I've been learning to drive for about six months, and I'm driving a different car than I normally do.) Me: How do you turn on the lights for this car? Mama: Why do you need the lights? Me: Uhm... Because I don't want to die?

Me: Talked to that guy. Mom: Did you tell him you were available and easy? Me: Um, what? Mom: Well, it's been real. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow!

(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.) Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries? Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator! Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size. Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience? Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!

(After the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was lifted.) Mom: So, NOW will you tell me you're gay? Me: MOM! I'm not gay! Why would you think that? Mom: Because you joined the Navy! Real men join the Marines! Me: Dad was in the AirForce! Mom: ... Why won't you give me grandchildren?! Me: Thinning the herd.

(Talking about moving to a town in Washington with my mother) Me: We're moving to Pullman, Washington. Mom: Oh, that nice. You've got to go see the Lincoln Memorial and the other things there. Me, staring at my mother: Pullman, Washington... Mom, clueless: Yeah, Washington is our national capital. Me, shaking head: Our capital is Washington D.C.. We're moving to Washington state. Mom: There's a difference?