mother

(In my Oma's kitchen talking about how much tile i put down while fixing the house. I'm female.) Me: You see these hands?! These are the hands of a working man! Oma: With a rack like that, I don't think you're much of a man. Me: You knew what I meant!

(Talking about moving to a town in Washington with my mother) Me: We're moving to Pullman, Washington. Mom: Oh, that nice. You've got to go see the Lincoln Memorial and the other things there. Me, staring at my mother: Pullman, Washington... Mom, clueless: Yeah, Washington is our national capital. Me, shaking head: Our capital is Washington D.C.. We're moving to Washington state. Mom: There's a difference?

Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas. Me(being silly): Your Mother! Mom: He doesn't want THAT.

(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.) Me: Anyways how was- Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis. Me: ...what? Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes. Me: What?! Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's? Me: No! No, No. No. Mom: Cause he was huuuuge! Me: Oh my God, mom!

My Mum (after being told that her new Noah's ark ring was religious): When you think of Noah's ark, do you think of animals? Or do you think of Moses... Or whoever it was that built it?

Mother: Don't quote what I say on facebook. Seriously, if you quote what I say you will sleep on the roof for three weeks. And you can quote me on that.

Mom: Hum the Star Spangled Banner Me: Why? Mom: Well is it patriotic? Me: Yeah (I hum it for her) Mom: Wait isn't that the national anthem? Is the Star Spangled Banner the national anthem? Me: Yes Mom: Oh, I didn't know that. That's exactly what I want!