mother

Mom: *sigh* I just want to be a lady of leisure. Me: ... You want to be a prostitute? Mom: No! I want to be a wealthy bitch!

(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spits everything on him) Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE! Mom: That's right dear.

(After the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was lifted.) Mom: So, NOW will you tell me you're gay? Me: MOM! I'm not gay! Why would you think that? Mom: Because you joined the Navy! Real men join the Marines! Me: Dad was in the AirForce! Mom: ... Why won't you give me grandchildren?! Me: Thinning the herd.

Mom: Where are you going? Me: Uh, ya know. just gonna knock over a 7-11, go to a strip club, beat up some hookers. Mom: Okay... If you get caught, you're staying the night in jail. it builds character.

Me (on phone): Hi mom, I'm just calling to let you know I survived the dorm fire. Mom: WHAT? Me: Yeah, we had a fire last night! Mom: Did you start it?

(talking to my mom about a project for school.) Me: Yeah, so my teacher says I actually have to talk about an accident that happened in the past. Do you have any I could use? Mom: Randall. Me: But that's my brother's name. Mom: Like I said...

(17 yr old daughter on phone to Grandmother with me in same room.) Daughter: Nana, do you have any AAA Batteries? Me (yelling to be heard on phone): It's for her vibrator! Nana (which daughter repeats to me): You need D size. Me (which daughter repeats over phone): Speaking from experience? Daughter: Ewww, must be true, Nana isn't saying anything!