mother

Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...

Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas. Me(being silly): Your Mother! Mom: He doesn't want THAT.

Mom: Where are you going? Me: Uh, ya know. just gonna knock over a 7-11, go to a strip club, beat up some hookers. Mom: Okay... If you get caught, you're staying the night in jail. it builds character.

Me: I don't want to become an astronaut, because if something goes wrong, I'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere with no help. Mom: Don't worry about that! If you get hurt in space, you'll just die!

Mom: Is it true your sister smokes weed? Me: Yeah. Duh. Mom: What problems could a fifteen-year-old possibly have that they would need weed for?! I NEED WEED TO PUT UP WITH RAISING THAT CHILD!

Me: Talked to that guy. Mom: Did you tell him you were available and easy? Me: Um, what? Mom: Well, it's been real. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow!

My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.

(While watching mom hang stockings) Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings? Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird. Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine? Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.