mother

(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.) Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried. Mom: Really? Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying. Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.

Me: Mom, I don't want to eat meat tonight. I just got done dissecting a pig. Mom: What? You won't eat meat because of that?! What's going to happen if you go to medical school and dissect humans? Will you stop eating humans too? Me: Um.....

(Talking about Jessica Simpson with my mom) Mom: She's lucky that she has big boobs, because she can't sing at all.

(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.) Me: Anyways how was- Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis. Me: ...what? Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes. Me: What?! Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's? Me: No! No, No. No. Mom: Cause he was huuuuge! Me: Oh my God, mom!

Mom: Hum the Star Spangled Banner Me: Why? Mom: Well is it patriotic? Me: Yeah (I hum it for her) Mom: Wait isn't that the national anthem? Is the Star Spangled Banner the national anthem? Me: Yes Mom: Oh, I didn't know that. That's exactly what I want!

Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas. Me(being silly): Your Mother! Mom: He doesn't want THAT.

Mom: Is it true your sister smokes weed? Me: Yeah. Duh. Mom: What problems could a fifteen-year-old possibly have that they would need weed for?! I NEED WEED TO PUT UP WITH RAISING THAT CHILD!

Mother: Don't quote what I say on facebook. Seriously, if you quote what I say you will sleep on the roof for three weeks. And you can quote me on that.

(Dad got a deer this season and is processing it himself). Me: Ugh... There's body parts all inside the freezer. Mom: People are going to think we're John Wayne Gacy. Me: Didn't he have sex with the bodies first? Mom: You weren't there.