mother

Mom: When you were a baby I swear I'd take a bullet for you in the blink of an eye... Now you're 18 and I'm contemplating actually shooting you myself...

(Me: *Skyping cute boy*) Mom: *Barges into room* Who are you talking to? Me: Travis, mum. Mom: You better not be showing him your privates!

(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.

Mom: (to my Dad) Honey, will you get me a glass of water? Dad: (looks at me) Get her a glass of water. (I give him a look.) Dad: We feed and clothe you, slave. Get the water!

(Mom and I watching "The First Wives' Club") Mom: You know, if your dad ever wanted to divorce me, I think I'd just murder him. Me: What, why? Mom: Because I'd rather be a widow than a first wife.

(My mom walks in to my room as I'm pulling my pants up from masturbating.) Mom: What were you doing. Me: Uh... Nothing Mom: OK, just a tip, next time, do "nothing" in the bathroom.

(While watching mom hang stockings) Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings? Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird. Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine? Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.

Me: I'm going to discipline my kids better when I have them. I'm going to lock them in a closet. Mom: Oh... That's what I did with you...

(After the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was lifted.) Mom: So, NOW will you tell me you're gay? Me: MOM! I'm not gay! Why would you think that? Mom: Because you joined the Navy! Real men join the Marines! Me: Dad was in the AirForce! Mom: ... Why won't you give me grandchildren?! Me: Thinning the herd.

(My mom was talking to her self at the store) Me: Mom who are you talking too? Mom: Myself, I have to talk louder than the voices in my head.