mother

(Mom and I watching "The First Wives' Club") Mom: You know, if your dad ever wanted to divorce me, I think I'd just murder him. Me: What, why? Mom: Because I'd rather be a widow than a first wife.

(My mom and my grandma talking during dinner.) Grandma: (talking about our dog) When I went for a drive with Jake in the back seat he just laid on the floor and cried. Mom: Really? Grandma: Yeah, he just laid down and started crying. Mom: That's what I do every time I'm in a car with you driving.

Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas. Me(being silly): Your Mother! Mom: He doesn't want THAT.

Me: Talked to that guy. Mom: Did you tell him you were available and easy? Me: Um, what? Mom: Well, it's been real. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow!

(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.

(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.) Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!

(My mom was talking to her self at the store) Me: Mom who are you talking too? Mom: Myself, I have to talk louder than the voices in my head.

(While watching mom hang stockings) Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings? Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird. Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine? Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.

(Dad got a deer this season and is processing it himself). Me: Ugh... There's body parts all inside the freezer. Mom: People are going to think we're John Wayne Gacy. Me: Didn't he have sex with the bodies first? Mom: You weren't there.