(A while ago, when I was a young child.) Me: What's plastic surgery? Dad: It's when they take out your lungs and dip them in corn syrup.

(Mom upon opening her package of syringes she ordered for nursing purposes) Mom: Sweet, they got here early! Me: Why do you even... Mom: Practice, now get over here and let's find a vein. Me: ... How about no. Mom: Oh, that's alright then. You have to sleep eventually.