oh god why

funny-valentines-fails-teddy-bear-50-shades
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That image is completely 100% real. The Vermont Teddy Bear Company, long-time sellers of adorable bear products, is selling a Christian Grey teddy bear - apparently fully licensed. The parade of sadness continues on their official tumblr, which features forced memes of the bear making terrible sexual puns:



Why, you may ask? Because #brands, yo. Hashtag brands.

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The Youtube uploader MrSlackline had this to say about the situation:

I honestly can't really believe I am ok after this; probably should be dead! Anyway, that didn't happen so you guys can at least laugh at me and talk s**t, which is almost more fun. Anyway, stupid s**t like this shouldn't happen with proper planning. I was being dumb for sure, mega fail points. However, this does have relevance to the base and skydiving communities.
By Unknown
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That would be Jim DeBerry, the force behind this ass-backwards commercial for McCutcheon & Hamner, P.C. Attorneys at Law. DeBerry, never one to back down from the "PC Police" apparently, defended accusations of racism with the classic "but I have Asian friends" defense.

Remember, dime-store costumes and bad accents that would make the suits behind old-school Aunt Jemima squirm are totally acceptable so long as you have friends. The wisdom of life, right here.

funny-news-fail-milwaukee-brewers-nachos-on-a-stick
Via Uproxx
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The food monstrosity is packed with taco meat and crusted with Doritos, because that's the American way! Add some melted cheese on top (DON'T ASK WHERE THAT STUFF COMES FROM) and call it a day! And by "day" we mean "you are now legally dead from food coma."