Hall of Fame

He should have stuck with 911. They're very friendly over there.

Rather than clean his room, the child fled the safety of his suburban home and foraged for Twinkie crumbs and Velveeta wrappers in the neighbors' garbage.

This otherwise skillful re-imagining of Edward Cullen's birth somehow ignores the fact that Tinkerbell would never actually say "many moons ago." A line of dialogue like that is almost, but not quite, as gay as Twilight.

It's a little-known fact that when Jesus rode his holy donkey into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, the people greeted him with boobsicles as well as palm. Consequentially, many Catholic masses during the Eucharist often offer, as a supplement to bread and wine, boobsicles.

I know that feeling all too well, bro.

This is only PART (!!!) of a string of texts from a young woman after only one (1!) date.