The realest of talk: yes, turtles ARE great. 

It's hard to tell if these people are joking. If they aren't, we have a very serious problem.

The successes of the world are propped up on a hulking heap of failure. So grab your failure shovels and get at that heap.

This impatient essayist is so caught up in falling in love with the sound of his own voice on paper, it could be a while before he finds any luck on this app. If you open your self-summary telling your potential match to f**k you and then proceed to write an essay that beats around the bush, while centering on the FIRST sentence you said, which is ultimately about you getting laid....you're going to have a bad time. Or not. Maybe he's rolling around in Pound Town right now. 

Divorces kind of pull on the old heartstrings...so, why not find that perfectly melancholic, soul-shattering song to accompany the grand occasion. Really commemorate the death of a once great love, in tasteful fashion. Just waiting on Spotify to roll out a Divorce playlist soon...

Thanksgiving is an unfortunate magnet to full-fledged family breakdowns. There's just something magically explosive about the family reunited to gather around the table. 

To use public transportation is to (painfully) knowingly throw yourself into a sea of absolute chaos. People really let themselves go CRAZY on the bus or train. That or they were already to begin with.