Dad: I did alot of crazy things when I was a kid. Me: Like what? Dad: Well once I did a whole bunch of cocaine and threw a TV through a ten story window. Good thing you only do pot. Me: I... I got nothin'...

(Me and my mom were looking at a picture of the woman with the longest fingernails in the world.) Me: Wow! Those would be hard to paint… Mom: How does she wipe her ass?

Dad: Hey son. Me: Yes? Dad: Wanna know where babies come from Me: No no plea- Dad: The Game

(Mom had left for a business trip and it was just dad and I by ourselves) Dad: So, you wanna get some hookers and blow? Me: Seriously, Dad? Dad: Fine... how about some pot? Do you know anyone? Or shrooms, 'cause that'll be cool too. Or both... at the same time! Me:...the hell?

(Furniture shopping with my parents.) Mom: I like that this bed has a canopy... I'll have something to tie your dad up to.

Dad: Your mom has been feeling kinda old lately. Can you take her out, and show her a good time? Me: You mean get her drunk? Dad: Yeah. Me: Done.

Sister (singing like the Black Eyed Peas): Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? Dad (obviously having no idea that it's a song) : I'll tell you what you're going to do with all of it, clean it out! (followed by a long, angry lecture about the various junk my sister had left in the trunk of the car and needed to take out)