(At the the gym with my father, to end off our workout we decide to use the rowing machine. He's new at this and immediately starts going as fast and as hard as he can on the machine)
Me: Dad, calm down by, you might start off with a big bang but you will be dead in like 30 seconds. I hope you're not like that in the sack!
Father: Listen, I might not be able to go deep but I can beat the sides off her in those 30 seconds!
Mom: OK: No drugs, no alcohol, no sex and no boys.
Dad: Basically we want you to have a sh**ty time.
Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.
Me: Mom, can I have a curfew?
Mom: You already have one.
Me: So, when is it?
Mom: I won't tell you.
Me: Then what's the point of a curfew?
Mom: So we can punish you when you break it.
My mother texts me: Hey... Dad wants a ticket to the game in green bay for Christmas... I believe it's a football game and I think it's the Packers against another team... Possibly the Yankees.
(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.)
Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle.
Me: You should try women.
Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts.
Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses....
Sister: Yeah, probably.
(My nephew and father at dinner while coming home last night.)
Nephew: I don't like this drink
Dad: It's Orange Bang! I used to love that stuff as a kid.
Nephew: But I don't like it.
Dad: Look, it's a Mexican sweet drink, like Ray Mysterio!
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