Valentines day

Random bit of dust in my eye....anyone else? 

As if this could get any pettier, TMZ reports that all the Valentines "gifts" will be hand delivered. Kim K just won't let the people out there bring her down. 

Wasn't yesterday just fanfuckintastic? A ton of lovedrunk, pie-eyed couples aspiring to realize their dreams of finally living out the rom-com movie they loved, and you loathed...madly running around for overpriced dinners, and budget-obliterating bottles of wine at tastefully overcrowded candlelit ristorantes (cause that's how you fancy spell restaurants, right) staffed by polished and meticulously groomed waiters that expect nothing less than the hefty kind of tip that'll send a man into a brothy sea of Top Ramen till next paycheck. Yeah, all rants aside. The 'holiday' is over, and these people brought their A game on Twitter when it came to expressing their 'Valentines Remorse' or lack thereof.

Time to up the game over there guys, because this 'heart-shaped' pizza only ended up looking like a dough-slinging chef missed his lunch break and had to take a bite out of something before popping the next batch of breadsticks in the oven. 

The context of this situation only makes this FAIL more spectacular: sounds like the dude's girlfriend was trying to surprise him with a heart-shaped pizza at work, which is serious brownie points on steroids. Truly, a lady after my own heart. If only the Domino's pizza factory in question was up to the challenge. There's always next year.

Well, that seals the deal: we're all getting lucky in one way or another tonight, am I right? The results themselves here are about on par with what you'd expect for the notorious, romantically-inclined, ever-commercialized holiday. People near and far definitely have the hard hearts on for the knee-buckling kind of orgasm that's artificially love-induced. 

Sometimes you can do something special by doing nothing. If you successfully avoid these cards, you are doing that special someone and yourself a service. No one wants a bad Valentine, so do him or her a favor and just get some chocolates. 

It's a great measure of assurance to read through these botched attempts, full-fledged romantic fails, and know that there's gotta be someone out there having a worse time of that crazy little thing called love (on Valentine's Day, no less) than your sorry ass. If there's one Pro Tip that stuck out from the pack here, it's that you probably shouldn't opt for gifting the box of fire ants, bro. My best bet is that's the kind of gift that'll never fail to end up biting you in the ass. 

This fine Israeli Burger King establishment identified a key demographic, and they proceeded to capitalize on the thirsty, sexual pleasure-seeking debauched 18+ youths of the world by including sex toys in 'adult meals' as a Valentine's Day promo. Umm, genius or twisted or discouraging, or a little bit of all the above? I'll let you be the judge. 

Here's a cheers to an Israeli Burger King daring to be different, and the happiest of meals with the hopefully guaranteed happy ending for those souls out there brave (desperate) enough to give it a run. And I can't help wonder what kind of disparity we're looking at in the way of quality between that good-good-yum-yum dollar menu and the heftier combo meals...are we talking something as consequential as blue balls vs. knee-buckling orgasm? So many questions yet to be answered. Gotta give it to Burger King for not failing to accomplish piquing our curiosity. 

The comedic relief present in these delightfully vulgar Valentine's Day cards is the perfect companion for anyone even slightly sickened by the glaring commercialization meets sappy romantic comedy-tainted nature of this 'holiday.' Picking out a decent card that doesn't involve you sacrificing your self-respect alongside a bouquet of overpriced roses can be a whole lot easier if you pull something from this rag tag crew. Trust me bro (or maybe don't), you'll get some points for attempted crack at keeping it light and humorous. If it ends up buzzkilling your night and failing to put a smile on his/her face though, don't say I didn't warn ya.

There's nothing romantic about these glaring fail-tainted shots at valentine's day gift giving. Then again, isn't a notoriously tiresome process to figure out what exactly we're supposed to be giving on this grand 'ol day, fellas? So with that considered, maybe we're best off just playing into the ritual with a little dumbness for comedic effect.