Puns somehow inhabit the highest and lowest forms of humor at the same time. They're kind of like eggs. They can come in the form of fine, sought-after caviar, or they can get shot out of a chicken's ass for a dollar a dozen. There's no in between. Here are some dad jokes that go father than ever before.
absurd
Physical work can place us in some compromising positions. It's probably not worth it to straddle two ladders in the wind or pull some OSHA-defying boldness just so you can finish a job 20 minutes faster, but it's everyone's personal choice to risk your life for a few dollars. What really sucks is when you are aware of basic safety standards and your boss says "listen buddy, we've been storing oily rags next to the fritzy boiler for years, so quit being a pansy. Now grease up your hands and plunge them into the crusher." So here's to misguided safety failures that OSHA would disapprove of.
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It's really easy to think that people are smart and responsible in general. But the more people you meet, the more you realize that we're barely holding it together. Life is just brimming with facepalms deep fried in stupidity. It's an absolute miracle that most of us can manage to hold down a job, feed ourselves, and not just sit around all day hitting ourselves with hammers. So go on and expose yourself to the gamma rays of facepalming, mystifying dumbness.
Working retail comes with a very special set of gripes unlike any other job. The entitled customers, utter Karens and bored scamming shoppers leave retail employees with a hollow dissatisfaction that makes one wonder if there are any sane people left on the planet. Secret or mystery shoppers are one of those interesting speed bumps that you wouldn't think would be infiltrated by the forces of Karenhood, but lo and behold, here we are.
What would the world be without wonderful and absurd knockoffs and off brands? Well, first off there'd be a lot fewer SpongeBob and Elmo-esque piñatas, but otherwise it would be a much more boring place. There'd be no more transforming robot Frozen 2 action figures or "official" Microsoft branded flip flops. Amazing and ridiculous knockoffs make the world go round at a relatively affordable price.
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The fun thing about entitled people is that they never really seem to understand why everyone takes issue with their "suggestions." From this entitled mom who tried to swindle a babysitter to the many Karens of the world, what feels like it should be a learning experience never becomes one. The abusive landlords, demanding neighbors, insane bosses and random craigslist buyers out there just keep doing their thing, unfazed by the mountains of regular people telling them they're being ridiculous.
The gargantuan girth and powerful presence of absolute units are too real to be denied. Turns out whatever the world makes, it's working on a bigger version right now. And these absolute units are just too mighty for this little world. There are big grapes, large eggs, rotund squirrels, titanic crabs and goliath potatoes. And just like the absolute units themselves, there's more where that came from.
It's hard to be a dungeon master. You can spend hours thinking of the perfect campaign, just to have players turn into murder hobos and spend hours fighting geese for bread. But where there is fantasy-fueled absurdity, there are also more emotional D&D moments like this total feels trip of a campaign or this guy's grandmother who fell in love with Dungeons and Dragons while battling cancer.
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Why drink coffee when we can all get our blood pumping just taking in the fantastical demands of entitled people? There are landlords who forbid cooking, customers who bring their own teabags, and entitled moms who tried to swindle their babysitters. The laughable boldness of entitled people is an amazing thing to behold.
Our world is filled to the brim with unprofessional "not my job" moments. While they may be inconvenient to the users themselves, it is pretty funny to see a "storp" sign. And as much as we all want to get away with doing as little work as possible, some "not my job" moments and design fails are just too noticeable to not become a thing.
While the rest of us toil and fret over the humdrum of daily life, there are mad lads out there who don't give a dang. They'll do or say anything it takes to achieve their bold desires or just mess with people. They act on pure instinct, sometimes to the point of deceit. But at the end of the day, there are no bones about it. These mad lads played the game their way.
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With every great joke uttered, there's always someone out there with the potential to miss that joke by miles. Not only that, but they'll have the sheer audacity to treat the joke teller like they're the moron. It's obliviousness like that that feels like a kick in the teeth to humanity in general. Is there helping bozos who didn't get the joke? Maybe, but only if they want to be helped.
The world is a big place full of all kinds of people. Unfortunately, some of those people are the kind of entitled people who want to play absurd games. The kind of people who will make their employees pay them for the privilege of working for them. The kind of people who will throw a tantrum because they are too old to get a free donut. Entitled people and their excruciating behavior are a phenomenon that is impossible to look away from.
The internet is a big place with all kinds of people who have amazing and dumb ideas, and boy if it isn't rife with stupid, random and brilliant Tumblr gems. People have hard opinions on architecture, werewolves and plastic chairs, and they leave these observations laying around like rats at the dump. It's a good time. There's always Tumblr gems to rifle through like a goblin.
As much as we'd like the forces of darkness and confusion to leave us alone, mistakes, failures, errors and blunders still find their way into our lives. It's not a graceful life; one of dropped phones and exploded pipes, but it is the one we are given. All there is to do is take it in stride and sometimes expect that the world is merciless.
Via ifonlyeverything
Medium density fiber board has to come from somewhere, and this baby is the press that forms it. It also has the added benefit of sounding like the cloistered screeches of the damned, screaming to be let out of their existence of suffering in it's purest form. That or most people's internal monologue on a Monday morning but combined with the THX sound.
