wait what

(Me playing Plants vs. Zombies) Grandma: Hey! That is a funny game! Those grey guys look like your grandfather. He likes fighting with my plants too. But at least he doesn't eat them. Well, not always.

(A while ago, when I was a young child.) Me: What's plastic surgery? Dad: It's when they take out your lungs and dip them in corn syrup.

Aunt: I turn around and my sister has her hand down her shirt, my neice is holding a ghost and my husband is singing "Sixteen Candles" while jamming a Power Ranger into a chocolate cake. Where's my drink?

(My dad in response to Tyler, the Creator's "Bitch Suck Dick") Dad: Did he just say he's f**king a unicorn? Me: Yes, yes he sure did Dad: I don't blame him.... I'd f**k a unicorn, they're sexy as hell.