Dad: So hows your acting class? Me: Pretty good, there's a really cool freshman who sits next to me. Dad: Son, lower classmen are like boners, some are nice for a while but eventually it will just become awkward and annoying.
Dad: If you get that girl pregnant you have to name the kid Fruitloop. Me: Why? Dad: I lost a bet.
Me: Dude, you really need to call the landlady in the morning. Mom: I am not a dude, I have lady lumps.
Dad: Don't go into the dark, the Boogie Man will get you. Me: You're the Boogie man, and the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny Dad: Don't talk about my sex life.
(Talking with my grandmother about how hard it was raising kids in the 60's) Me: Gramma? If it was so hard raising the first three, why did you keep having kids? Gramma: Well, Joel... Me and your grandfather liked to have sex. Me: ... (Image hasn't left my head to this day)
(Christmas morning. I open a present to what I think is a new iphone) Me: You got me an iphone? I can't believe it! Dad: Just open it and see. (I proceed to ope iPhone box) Me: There is a picture of an iphone... But no phone... Dad: Exactly! Me: Why would you go through all of this trouble just to crush my dreams? Dad: Get used to a life of disappointment
(My wife and I going to the hospital while she's in labor.) Me: Excuse me, my wife is in labor. Nurse: OK, is she having contractions? Me: Yes! Nurse: How bad are they? Wife: (In the middle of a contraction) I WILL F**KING KILL YOU FOR THIS!!!! Me: That bad.
(Us at table eating tapioca. My uncle Ralph *has finished his but there is no more): Uncle Ralph: Hey did you know semen is low calorie food? Five calories per go! Me and Brothers: *Push away food* Eeeeeeeeew. Uncle Ralph: Well if you're not gonna eat it....
