Father

(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spits everything on him) Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE! Mom: That's right dear.

Dad: On the whole, all protests are bad. Me: You can't just generalize like that. Dad: I'm not generalizing. I'm just saying that on the whole they're all bad. Me: And that's a generalization. Dad: No it's not. Me: How so? Dad: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

*At a gas station on a snowy pass* Dad: Hey look, traffic! Go play in it! Me: I don't feel like being killed. Dad: Don't worry, they'll steer off the road and kill themselves first!

*phone rings* Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking! Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up* Mom: Why'd you do that!? Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.

(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.) Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show? Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff Sister: Really? Dad: Yup