Mom: (to my Dad) Honey, will you get me a glass of water? Dad: (looks at me) Get her a glass of water. (I give him a look.) Dad: We feed and clothe you, slave. Get the water!
Mom: OK: No drugs, no alcohol, no sex and no boys. Dad: Basically we want you to have a sh**ty time.
(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...
(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.) Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show? Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff Sister: Really? Dad: Yup
