Father

(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...

Dad: I s**t ice cream. That's how perfect I am.

(This was a few years back while we were watching David Tennant on "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross") Dad: If he can speak English properly, why dosen't he always do it? Me: ... What? He is speaking proper English. Dad: No he's not, he's got an accent. You can't speak proper English with an accent.

(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.) Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show? Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff Sister: Really? Dad: Yup

(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spits everything on him) Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE! Mom: That's right dear.