Father

Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.

(My dad coming in, seeing I'm on facebook instead of doing my math homework.) Dad: If you don't start doing your math, you'll turn into a zombie. *leaves* Me: What just happened?

Me: According to the lab I did, you and mom can't be homozygous dominant for ALU. Dad: Baby, I ain't homo nothing. Me: Creeeepy.

*phone rings* Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking! Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up* Mom: Why'd you do that!? Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.

(Dad and sister talking about people who tame monkeys.) Sister: How come there are always birds when people with monkeys are putting on a show? Dad: That's because the monkey tamers tame the monkeys to teach the birds to swoop down low whilst you are looking at the monkeys are steal your stuff Sister: Really? Dad: Yup

(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spits everything on him) Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE! Mom: That's right dear.

(When talking to my mom about my absent father.) Mom: You know the difference between you and me? Me: What Mom: My daddy loved me. Me: T-T Mom: *laughing hysterically*