And for a free coffee all you have to do is address your barista by their full name and conclude the transaction with a hug lasting no shorter than eight seconds.

If by "like coffee" you mean "have a crippling addiction to caffeine and couldn't care less what it tastes like," then yes, I like coffee. I like coffee a lot.

If you get in my way, there's a very good chance I'll sacrifice my first cup of coffee by pouring it over your head. The second cup will be used for victory-sipping and I will have NO REGRETS.