Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me?
Me(a little worried): What?
Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.
Mom: (to my Dad) Honey, will you get me a glass of water?
Dad: (looks at me) Get her a glass of water.
(I give him a look.)
Dad: We feed and clothe you, slave. Get the water!
(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.)
Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet.
Me: And hail after that?
Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...
Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.
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