resume

If that doesn't get you employed, what will?

This is my description.

"Then how did you get hired in the first place, sir?"

"Hmmm, candidate uses logic and is openly defiant of superiors. You're just shooting yourself in the foot now buddy... candidate also only has one functional foot..."

Qualifications

I constantly hunger for a challenge. I have a very cann-do attitude. I am a team player, and have experience spearheading team projects.

"Optimized client assets for strategic marketing purposes."

"You're hired!!! When can you start?" "Sir, did you even read the rest of-" "I'll ask the questions here!"

I'm just gonna go 'head and assume I get the job, so just let me know when I start, thanks!

As for the bajillion other potential excuses they could use, well... good luck with those!