Probably bad News

A man named Connor Zuvich found a discarded, stuffed tiger on the side of the road in Washington, so he did what anyone would do and strapped it to the roof of his car.

“The thing looked really realistic,” Zuvich told The Columbian. “We were just cruising around Lacamas Lake with it.”

He and his friends drove around for a while with their new trophy when a cop pulled them over.

The officer, Henry Scott, said the police were contacted by a concerned citizen who reported a live Bengal tiger on the loose.

When he noticed it was just a stuffed animal he snapped some quick photos of the beast “to send to all his buddies,” according to Zuvich.

The cat reportedly remains on top of his car and thinks the view is just “grrrrrrreat!”

As many have been quick to point out, the color of this birthday-destroying dookie indicates that it was maybe even human - perhaps from a passing plane. Either way, the cake suddenly seems a little less appealing now.

A Michigan pastor named Rev. Matthew Makela (who is married with 5 kids) resigned this week from St. John’s Lutheran Church after he was caught cruising Grindr for men.

An anonymous source sent some screenshots of some of his chats to the gay news site Queerty, who exposed his hypocrisy to the church as well as the rest of the world.

In the conversations, he says he “loves making out naked,” “oral and massage,” and he reveals that he is a “top.”

Of course he probably just meant “top Biblical scholar,” right?

As Queerty points out, outing his private gay sex life is important here, as he has been an outspoken, anti-gay voice in his church and online.

He has compared being gay to being an alcoholic, and accused the transgender movement of assisting “opportunistic sickos.”

Queerty writes:

If Makela made even one LGBT kid at St. John’s “Christ-based” elementary school, their parents, friends, family or anyone who ever stepped foot in the church feel like being true to yourself is shameful (and it seems all too likely that he did), then we’re glad to share his hypocrisy with the world.

A senior pastor at the church posted the following statement in response to the story.

“The details of sin that have been kept confidential are being posted online by those who seek to do harm to the Makela family and to St. John’s,” writes Rev. Daniel Kempin. “This is taking an already difficult situation and making it even more painful.”

His profile on the church’s website has since been deleted from their staff page, and St. John’s is telling people not to pay attention to the story. Their Facebook page has also been deleted.

It appears they are trying to erase his online presence and pretend none of it ever happened.

Because if there’s one thing to learn from all this, burying the truth is clearly the best solution.

This man in Salt Lake City, Utah was arrested just minutes after this inept robbery, where he spent five whole minutes asking for cash and cigarettes. Five minutes, in case you weren't aware, is plenty of time to get the police to your location - especially if the sarcastic clerk in question is able to sneak around and get your license plate number.

Tragedy struck in a Jacksonville community when two young men opened fire in a school bus and shot two students. 

But then this happened.

Yikes.

That's a sticker advertisement (placed on the front page of each issue) for an upcoming gun show, offering discounted admission to those interested. In a statement from a Times-Union Audience Relationship representative, the paper formally apologized for what has to be the worst case of coincidental timing imaginable. 

A hearse driver and funeral director made a pit stop, leaving the body and coffin of the veteran they were transporting in the hearse.  They were on their way to a funeral service and left the hearse waiting in the parking lot while they took a coffee break. Both employees were fired for this thoughtless and disrespectful move when it was brought to the attention of Veterans Funeral Care, the funeral home they were working for.