Probably bad News

funny-news-fail-krav-maga-robbery
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That's David Menzies right there. Mezies had a plan so simple it was stupid: Test drive a new Jeep, smash and grab some goods from a bike store, then drive off with his new vehicle.

What he didn't think too much about was that the store he wanted to rob was right next to the Hammerfist Krav Maga school. That's where co-owner Jason Carrio comes in. 

Carrio attempted to call the police, but when it was clear that Menzies was about to make away with the bikes and goods, he ripped him out of his vehicle and subdued him until authorities arrived. A pretty ballsy move!

Almost as ballsy as trying to conduct a robbery next to a bunch of trained martial artists.

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Paul Knight from the UK here ripped away a woman's bag (perhaps searching for the cheeky Nando's inside) while she was walking home with her husband. After he had left the scene he realized he dropped his phone along the way. And what better way to get back your lost goods than ask the police for help?

That did not end well.

The money quote, however, comes from the case's judge Edward Bindloss:

You dropped your mobile phone and in a rather unsophisticated act you telephoned the police and inquired if someone had handed it in. That is how you came to be arrested.


funny-news-fail-pizza-bees-delivery-bike
Via Metro
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A local police officer in Fulham, west London could only say "There's not really a lot I can do here," upon coming to the scene.

I mean, we could always suggest nuking it from orbit, but we all know that would only create a hive of mutant pizza bees. Such is life though, right? 

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We really wish that headline were some kind of joke.

That's Joey and Chad Mudd pictured above. The Florida couple is under arrest for multiple felony child abuse charges and drug possession counts. Mom here managed to get out after posting $5000 in bail, and luckily their teen girls are no longer in their custody.

Via Fox59
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The best part? He insists that he just "politely asked" for the $150,000 and the bank teller gave it to him willingly. That's no way to get faves and likes, dude.

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Via Omaha
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A 66-year old woman from Nebraska is suing all gay people, because she thinks homosexuality is a sin, and she wants the law to finally acknowledge it.

Also because she is out of her mind.

Sylvia Driskell filed the lawsuit on May 1 with U.S. District Court of Omaha, and in a handwritten, 7-page document she lists herself as the “ambassador” for the plaintiffs “God and his son, Jesus Christ.”

The defendants are listed as simply “homosexuals” – presumably, every single one of them – which would make for quite a full courtroom.

Here are a few passages from the lengthy, incoherent argument:

I Sylvia Ann Driskell; Contented that homosexuality is a sin, And that they the homosexuals know it is a sin to live a life of homosexuality. Why else would they have been hiding in a closet.


Never before has Our great Nation the United States of America And our great State of Nebraska; been besiege by sin; The way to destroy any Nation, or State is to destroy its morals; Look what happen to Sodom and Gomorrah two city because of the same immoral behavior thats present in Our Nation, in Our States, and our Cities; God destroy them.

After the news broke, Dan Savage simply Tweeted that he hopes to get a chance to testify, which would be amazing.



You can read the whole insane document here.

Via USA TODAY
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Breakfast of champions.

When Cynthia Rodriguez opened up her Nature Valley granola bar back in March, something dropped out and she thought she had won some sort of prize.

It turns out the “prize” was actually a tiny bag of c0caine, according to KENS5 News.

The Texas woman reported it to the authorities, who confirmed it was a drug, but they don’t yet know how it got into her snack treat.

General Mills, which owns the Nature Valley brand, released a statement on Wednesday denying anything to do with it.

“We referred this to the police department in March, and are confident this did not happen in our facility,” they said.

Rodriguez said she got the granola bars as part of a sample pack from someone a local store and it didn’t appear to have been opened.

While she may be worried about it happening again, someone on Nature Valley’s Facebook page just wants more.

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Here it is, straight from Parker, Colorado. The idea for the photoshoot was apparently encouraged by parents and adults nearby, if that makes things better/worse in your mind. Though it wasn't condoned by everyone involved. One of the moms not present to her child's photo being taken had this to say:

"I think in their immaturity they kind of think it's a sort of a cowboy type of thing but then to have parents that support it and feed into it and to explain that it borders on racism is really upsetting to me,"


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Via CBP
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Customs agents at JFK international airport found themselves looking at this scene during a physical search after Jamaican resident Romario Lewis acted fishy. Sticking drugs (in this case $19,000 in coke) where the sun doesn't shine just isn't in vogue these days, apparently. 

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From what we can tell, the hoop monster in question was a part of Seattle's May Day protests. Or at the very least, he was using the day as a chance to go all Monstars on the hoop. The Seattle Police Department had a good sense of humor about it at least:

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Carly Fiorina has officially announced that she is running for president, and while the former Hewlett-Packard CEO has been heavily touting her tech expertise, she’s already made one big mistake online.

Her campaign failed to secure all of the big domains with her name, and one troll decided to useCarlyfiorina.org to make a statement about her leadership at HP.

“Carly Fiorina failed to register this domain,” the site reads. “So I’m using it to tell you how many people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard.”

The page is then filled with 30,000 emoticons of a frowny face to illustrated the number of layoffs.

If you scroll down to the bottom there’s more text with a quote from Fiorina.

The quote if from an interview Fiorina had with Fortune back in 2005.

If you go to Carlyfiorina.com you will be redirected to her actual campaign site,Carlyforpresident.com.

Hopefully we’ll get to see a “.cat” version in the near future as well from the guy who recently parodied the New York Times.

The source code for the site has a nice “demon sheep” Easter Egg and a link to a bonus page with an animated sheep with glowing red eyes.

This is a reference to the viral demon sheep attack ad from Fiorina in 2010, which had NY Magcalling her an “Internet genius.”

Unfortunately, she isn’t living up to that name with this domain gaffe, but she is doing a Periscope Q&A!

Ted Cruz had a similar problem on day one of his candidacy, failing to gain control of TedCruz.combefore his announcement.

As a result, anyone who goes to that website by mistake will simply see text that reads” “Support President Obama. Immigration Reform Now!”