oh god why

funny-fail-news-pig-arrested-detroit-gross
Via Daily Dot
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The pig had apparently been attacking a woman in her garden when she called the authorities to take care of it. They managed to subdue the animal (who had been distracted by a "decorative ball") and get it in their cop car. Then... well... this happened. 

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Surprisingly, no gore or violence in the video itself!

Skip to 1:40 to get to the moment in question.

You never know what might happen at a Cattle Decapitation show. You know, like attempted murder.

The band seemed to take it fairly well, but clearly there are some people in the crowd that need an adjustment in perspective. Or maybe they're just too Trve Kvlt for us normies to understand.

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Spiders have already infiltrated our bananas, and now they’re souring another of our favorite fruits.

A 21-year-old woman in Vermont was recently bitten by a black widow spider after reaching into a bag of grapes she purchased at the local Shaw’s supermarket.

That’s a whole bunch of “nope” right there.

She and her mother captured the little culprit that had crawled up her arm and brought it with them to the hospital where the woman was treated and eventually released.

The creature is identifiable by a red hourglass-shape on its belly, so if you see the mark, stay away.

Here’s the supermarket’s statement about the incident, via WPTZ:

The health and safety of products we sell, and our customers, is our first concern. We have been closely monitoring the situation and been in contact with the family. We replaced product in the customer’s refrigerator as a precaution and took immediate action to inspect the product at the customer’s store. We also are inspecting the product in all of our stores and have been in touch with the supplier, which has an extensive food safety management system in place.

While their venom is poisonous, most people just experience a pin prick followed by dull muscle pain along with other possible symptoms.

According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine:

Severe symptoms usually start to improve within 2 to 3 days, but milder symptoms may persist for several weeks. Death in a normally healthy individual is very rare. Young children, the extremely ill, and the elderly may not survive a bite.

Black widows were also found in bags of grapes in stores across several different states back in 2013.

This mast March a woman in Wales found a Brazilian Wandering Spider in her bag of bananas, which is considered the “world’s most venomous spider” by the Guinness World Records.

Other spiders have also been in the news a lot lately, particularly in Australia, where they are literally raining down from the sky as part of a phenomenon called “mass ballooning.”

Just don’t try to kill any of them, or you might end up with hundreds of even smaller spiders on your hands like this guy did.

epic-win-pic-oreo-doughnut-holes
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See it all starts off innocently enough with regular doughnut holes, and then things get crazy. Those are mini Oreos stuffed inside them - because they're "low-calorie", see? And then the kicker: a glaze made from the melted primordial ooze of oreo stuffing that's been delicately scraped off of existing cookies.

I'm so sorry, body. This needs to happen.

funny-news-fail-china-bathroom-gross
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The man has reportedly gone into the women's room of a shopping center several times early in the morning to eat that butt stuff. Now, he's finally been caught by a news team. When asked about his behavior, he had this to say (courtesy of a translated interview from Shanghaiist):

Reporter: What’re you doing here?
Man: Eating s**t.
R: What? What’s in your hands?
M: It’s s**t.
R: Why would you want to do that?
M: I eat it when I’m hungry.
R: But why do you choose to go to the ladies’ room?
M: It’s more tasty.

Reporter: Isn’t your family worried about you?
Man: They’re all dead.
R: Don’t you know this behavior isn’t good or healthy?
M: I’ve eaten s**t for eight years. I feel better after eating it.

epic-win-pic-burger-fries-bomb
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The cruel overlord of food over at The Vulgar Chef calls it a "French Fry Burger Bomb" (because "the burger that f**ked your mom" didn't quite work). We just call it beautiful, delicious death.