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DATING - PERSONALS:

"Totally cute and awesome goth chick looking for elder-statesmen straight-shooter who is totally only into goth chicks for NSA fun-times. Must be partially bald and otherwise physically unfit. No scammers or frauds."

Printed in: "The Daily WILL NEVER EXIST," Vol. X Issue: IN YOUR DREAMS.

Teenagers will do ANYTHING for attention these days.

I mean, come on Jake. You're already one of the most handsome celebs alive, and NOW you have to remind us that you were cooler way before us too? Give us a break!

What an edgy concept. Give yourself a pat on the back, marketing team.

We're all looking for someone to love, even Bubba here.