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Me: Hey Dad, why did you and mom have me so late in your marriage? Dad: Well, 18 years ago, your brother came out of the closet. And Mom was complaining that now she'll never have grandkids. Me: So I was born for the sole purpose of replacing my brother? Dad: Exactly.(He was dead serious)

Sister (singing like the Black Eyed Peas): Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? Dad (obviously having no idea that it's a song) : I'll tell you what you're going to do with all of it, clean it out! (followed by a long, angry lecture about the various junk my sister had left in the trunk of the car and needed to take out)

(Dad hits rumble strips while driving.) Me: What are those for? dad: That's how blind people drive. It's called braille driving.