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Dad: Your mom has been feeling kinda old lately. Can you take her out, and show her a good time? Me: You mean get her drunk? Dad: Yeah. Me: Done.

Dad: I did alot of crazy things when I was a kid. Me: Like what? Dad: Well once I did a whole bunch of cocaine and threw a TV through a ten story window. Good thing you only do pot. Me: I... I got nothin'...

Me: so my friends and I decided that for senior ditch day we wanted to go visit a couple museums. Step-mom:Museums? Why can't you be a normal teenager and go get drunk or smoke pot? Me: What?! no! Dad! Are you hearing this? I want to do something intellectual! Dad: *shaking his head* Where did I go wrong?