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(After taking a bite of dinner) Me: This tastes funny. Mom: The bottle said the poison was suppose to be undetectable. Me: What? Mom: What?

(Mom upon opening her package of syringes she ordered for nursing purposes) Mom: Sweet, they got here early! Me: Why do you even... Mom: Practice, now get over here and let's find a vein. Me: ... How about no. Mom: Oh, that's alright then. You have to sleep eventually.