relationships

(One afternoon, talking with my dad about first kisses.) Me: So, your first kiss wasn't with mom? Dad: No. It actually was with somebody VERY different from her. Me: Yeah? And where was it? Dad: Well, it was in school, between classes. Me: Dad, I thought there were only guys in your school. Dad: I DID say it was somebody different.

Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.

(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.) Me: Anyways how was- Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis. Me: ...what? Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes. Me: What?! Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's? Me: No! No, No. No. Mom: Cause he was huuuuge! Me: Oh my God, mom!