Dad: You know what I'll do when you bring a boy you like to meet me? Me(a little worried): What? Dad: I'll take him out into the yard to talk with him. Make him dig a hole, then bury him in it.
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Dad: If you want to date, date somebody who's going to harass you, so I'll at least have an excuse when the police bring me into custody.
(My Mom was watching the TV when I joined her. She had no idea I was gay.) Mom: Any nice boys in your class? Me: No. Mom: Any nice boys in another class? Me: No. Mom: Do you even look at the boys? Me: ... No, not really. Mom: You prefer girls? Me: ... Yes. Mom: Any nice girls in your class?
(One afternoon, talking with my dad about first kisses.) Me: So, your first kiss wasn't with mom? Dad: No. It actually was with somebody VERY different from her. Me: Yeah? And where was it? Dad: Well, it was in school, between classes. Me: Dad, I thought there were only guys in your school. Dad: I DID say it was somebody different.
...but his parents have just been letting him watch too many terrible sitcoms.
(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.) Me: Anyways how was- Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis. Me: ...what? Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes. Me: What?! Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's? Me: No! No, No. No. Mom: Cause he was huuuuge! Me: Oh my God, mom!
(My five year old son): Mom, I'm gay. Me: Really? So you want to marry boys? Son: No, I like girls. Me: Sweetie, then you aren't gay. That means boys who love boys, and girls who love girls. You are heterosexual. Son: Look mom, I just wanna be gay but marry a girl! Me: ... Well I guess that's how some gay guys do it...
Mum: Are you a lesbian? That would be gross. Me: Didnt you tell me you dated a lesbian for six months? Mum: Yes, but we never went beyond kissing. She wanted to stay virgin until married.
