relationships

(Talking to sister about a long string of failed relationships.) Sister: Y'know, I've given up on men. Too much hassle. Me: You should try women. Sister: Been there, done that, collected their t-shirts. Mother: (Walks in absent-mindedly) You should try horses.... Sister: Yeah, probably.

(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.) Me: Anyways how was- Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis. Me: ...what? Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes. Me: What?! Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's? Me: No! No, No. No. Mom: Cause he was huuuuge! Me: Oh my God, mom!

(My five year old son): Mom, I'm gay. Me: Really? So you want to marry boys? Son: No, I like girls. Me: Sweetie, then you aren't gay. That means boys who love boys, and girls who love girls. You are heterosexual. Son: Look mom, I just wanna be gay but marry a girl! Me: ... Well I guess that's how some gay guys do it...

(My date and I about to leave.) Dad: Oh, and kids! Don't forget, stop teen pregnancy- take it in the ass! Me: DAD!!! Dad: What? I saw it online and thought it would come as great use to you.