(I just met my new step-brother 2 hours ago at my dad's house. We're both mid 20's adults. Dad and step-mom leaving to go to the store.) Dad: Okay, we're leaving now. Me: Alright, see you in a bit. Dad: (Looks at me and step-brother) No having sex with each other. Me: Oh my God, dad! Go!
(after a nasty bout of meds left me on the toilet for far too long) Mom: It's exfoliating your colon!
Little Sister: Dad, you're putting butter in a cup! Who does that?! Me: Cool people. And dad. Dad: Just when I thought you were smart, you had to say something like that to prove how unsmart you is! Me: I'm not the one who said "unsmart."
Me: Im shooting daggars out of my eyes. Dad: Im shooting farts out of my ass. (A little while later,) When you're not home I'm going to fart on your pillow.
