(Walking my dog with my Mum, who noticed that there were loads of spider nests.) Mum: Woah, those spiders are at it! Me: What? Mum: I wonder how they do it. I mean, where do all of the legs go? Me: Mum, that's just creepy. Mum: Spider Porn!
Me: Im shooting daggars out of my eyes. Dad: Im shooting farts out of my ass. (A little while later,) When you're not home I'm going to fart on your pillow.
(Us at table eating tapioca. My uncle Ralph *has finished his but there is no more): Uncle Ralph: Hey did you know semen is low calorie food? Five calories per go! Me and Brothers: *Push away food* Eeeeeeeeew. Uncle Ralph: Well if you're not gonna eat it....
Warning: It's a very. Very. Gross surprise.
(after a nasty bout of meds left me on the toilet for far too long) Mom: It's exfoliating your colon!
Please make her pay for that top shirt, or at least throw it away.
This might be the best "birth control" we've ever seen.
Me: *putting on chapstick* Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.
