gross

Me: *putting on chapstick* Dad: Is that stuff good for chapped lips? I wonder if that'd work for my asshole... maybe I should get some.

Me: Im shooting daggars out of my eyes. Dad: Im shooting farts out of my ass. (A little while later,) When you're not home I'm going to fart on your pillow.

(Us at table eating tapioca. My uncle Ralph *has finished his but there is no more): Uncle Ralph: Hey did you know semen is low calorie food? Five calories per go! Me and Brothers: *Push away food* Eeeeeeeeew. Uncle Ralph: Well if you're not gonna eat it....