spider

In other news, metro Vancouver has gone silent after reports of giant arachnid attack.

Warning: This story might ruin your breakfast… forever.

A man in Wales recently picked up some bananas at a Tesco supermarket which turned out to be infested with spiders that can both kill you and give you a massive erection.

His wife opened the bag to find a cocoon of Brazilian Wandering Spiders (aka banana spiders) which are known to scurry around on the ground at night and hide in banana plants during the day.

They are considered the “world’s most venomous spider” by Guinness World Records, although there is an anti-venom available so not as many people die from their bites. Their bites have also been known to cause painful erections lasting several hours, and they are being studied as a potential Viagra alternative.

The cocoon started to hatch soon after she made the horrifying discovery.

“The spider cocoon started to unfurl so I put it in a sealed box and put it in the freezer as I read that that is supposed to kill them,” she said.

She then posted the photos to Tesco’s Facebook page for answers. The company told her to just mail in the wrapper so she could get a refund, but she was more concerned with not being attacked by the 8-legged killers than getting a few bucks back.

Tesco eventually asked her to bring the fruit back to the store so they could be investigated.

“We’ve apologized to Mrs. Layton and offered a gesture of goodwill,” a spokesperson said according to Yahoo.

A woman in England recently found a strange stowaway in her can of tuna fish, which turned out to be a tiny crab.

So now you can add bananas and tuna to the list of foods you are too terrified to ever eat again

He should change his license plate to just say NOPE.

This massive spider could not have found a more inconvenient place to hang out, aside from on your face.

“Nothing worse than opening your car door and feeling something furry!” writes the uploader in the caption.

They found him just chilling beneath the handle, presumably when they stuck their hand up there to open it.

“It’s a bloody super spider,” he says. “Oh jesus!”

Fortunately, for everyone involved, it eventually plops down and scurries away.

WARNING: SERIOUSLY A TON OF SPIDERS (OR MAYBE DADDY LONGLEGS WHO KNOWS WE CLOSED THE VIDEO TOO QUICKLY). YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Millions of baby spiders appeared to rain down from the sky earlier this month in the Southern Tablelands in Australia. One resident described the effect it had on their home as such: "The whole place was covered in these little black spiderlings and when I looked up at the sun it was like this tunnel of webs going up for a couple of hundred metres into the sky."

Read that again and try not to let your mind implode from the Lovecraftian horror from it all.

The phenomenon is (terrifyingly) not that uncommon. Apparently the spiders "balloon" by throwing out sheets of webbing and use the winds to carry themselves around. When weather conditions are poor, none of the spiders go anywhere of course. But when the weather picks up again, they all leave in one terrifying hell-swarm.

Again, a salute to the brave (insane?) people who continue to call the continent of Australia their home.

Dwayne Melton keeps 18 tarantulas in a crawl space in his home where they are hibernating for the winter, but he recently discovered that 5 of them were missing.

Note to self: never visit Dwayne.

AniMart Pets, a local exotic pet store in Georgia, called to say that someone had just brought in the stolen spiders and sold them for $60.

The shop thought the creatures might be his, because they were the ones who sold him them in the first place.

A man named Brandon L. Davis was arrested for the crime, and Melton's spiders are now also locked up for protection.