relationships

Writing a message out is always classier than texting one. It's like the difference between sending an invitation to a fancy dinner party on a crisply embossed cream-colored card vs. an email featuring comic sans and clip art.

BreakupText is an iOS app that breaks up with your significant other for you! There's a mad-lib-esque template and you can fill in the blank. Extra classy!

In this analogy, the exploding bomb is the girl replying "Ewww, gross, you're a creepy schmuck and I award you two out of ten hottie points" and ignoring me. My bomb-ravaged body represents my self-esteem.

People who text while driving: they're bad news.

Also, that's still the best commercial to come from that series of "tough guy in a suit represents an ultra-specific accident" ads.

FINE I WILL

I'D RATHER SEE BACON WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING ANYWAY

Let's be honest, saying that sex will be your significant others' only birthday present is a little cheap. Unless he or she would normally pay for it. In which case you're a prostitute, not a lover.

Only needs the occasional charge.

Yeah baby, I'll keep you up all night. With my lolspeak and my emoji.

"Emoji" does sound pretty dirty.

But baby I'll only transform for you.

In how many song titles can we replace the word "love" with "E" and pretend it's about drugs? All I've got is "All You Need Is E," "The Power of E," and "It's Only E."