False Alarm of the Day: Someone Called 911 After Seeing Car With Stuffed Tiger on Roof

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A man named Connor Zuvich found a discarded, stuffed tiger on the side of the road in Washington, so he did what anyone would do and strapped it to the roof of his car.

“The thing looked really realistic,” Zuvich told The Columbian. “We were just cruising around Lacamas Lake with it.”

He and his friends drove around for a while with their new trophy when a cop pulled them over.

The officer, Henry Scott, said the police were contacted by a concerned citizen who reported a live Bengal tiger on the loose.

When he noticed it was just a stuffed animal he snapped some quick photos of the beast “to send to all his buddies,” according to Zuvich.

The cat reportedly remains on top of his car and thinks the view is just “grrrrrrreat!”

Someone Became the Literal Party Pooper at This Girl's Sweet 16

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As many have been quick to point out, the color of this birthday-destroying dookie indicates that it was maybe even human - perhaps from a passing plane. Either way, the cake suddenly seems a little less appealing now.

Hypocrisy of the Day: Anti-Gay Pastor Resigns After Gay Website Posts His Grindr Chats

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A Michigan pastor named Rev. Matthew Makela (who is married with 5 kids) resigned this week from St. John’s Lutheran Church after he was caught cruising Grindr for men.

An anonymous source sent some screenshots of some of his chats to the gay news site Queerty, who exposed his hypocrisy to the church as well as the rest of the world.

In the conversations, he says he “loves making out naked,” “oral and massage,” and he reveals that he is a “top.”

Of course he probably just meant “top Biblical scholar,” right?

As Queerty points out, outing his private gay sex life is important here, as he has been an outspoken, anti-gay voice in his church and online.

He has compared being gay to being an alcoholic, and accused the transgender movement of assisting “opportunistic sickos.”

Queerty writes:

If Makela made even one LGBT kid at St. John’s “Christ-based” elementary school, their parents, friends, family or anyone who ever stepped foot in the church feel like being true to yourself is shameful (and it seems all too likely that he did), then we’re glad to share his hypocrisy with the world.

A senior pastor at the church posted the following statement in response to the story.

“The details of sin that have been kept confidential are being posted online by those who seek to do harm to the Makela family and to St. John’s,” writes Rev. Daniel Kempin. “This is taking an already difficult situation and making it even more painful.”

His profile on the church’s website has since been deleted from their staff page, and St. John’s is telling people not to pay attention to the story. Their Facebook page has also been deleted.

It appears they are trying to erase his online presence and pretend none of it ever happened.

Because if there’s one thing to learn from all this, burying the truth is clearly the best solution.

New Mother Gives Birth in a Cybercafe Then Continues Her Game

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A pregnant woman in Nanchang, China was in an internet cafe when she gave birth to a baby. She was waiting for her boyfriend to meet her. Some patrons called an ambulance and wrapped the baby in cloth. Meanwhile she continued to play her game until she and the baby were taken to the hospital to be met with her boyfriend and family. Who knows why she kept playing during and after such a dramatic life event, maybe she had to get to the next checkpoint before she could save? 

Student Interrupts Standardized Testing With DDoS Attack

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A 17-year-old Idaho student reportedly hired someone to overwhelm his school districts computer system with a Distributed Denial of Service attack. A spokesperson for the school district told KTVB that the DDoS attack restricted many schools access to the internet but did not go after any student's data. The general havoc caused by the interruption of service at schools caused many students to lose their work while taking the Idaho Standard Achievement tests. You might think that getting to take a break from standardized testing would be cause to celebrate but that is not the case. Some kids have had to re-take the test more than once during the week and a half that the DDoS attacks took place. The student responsible has been suspended and recommended for expulsion. The teen will most likely serve up to 180 days in a juvenile detention center for the state felony charge that this offense carries and may be facing federal felony charges as well.

It Literally Rained Spiders in (Where Else) Australia. Can We Set the Sky on Fire Now?

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Millions of baby spiders appeared to rain down from the sky earlier this month in the Southern Tablelands in Australia. One resident described the effect it had on their home as such: "The whole place was covered in these little black spiderlings and when I looked up at the sun it was like this tunnel of webs going up for a couple of hundred metres into the sky."

Read that again and try not to let your mind implode from the Lovecraftian horror from it all.

The phenomenon is (terrifyingly) not that uncommon. Apparently the spiders "balloon" by throwing out sheets of webbing and use the winds to carry themselves around. When weather conditions are poor, none of the spiders go anywhere of course. But when the weather picks up again, they all leave in one terrifying hell-swarm.

Again, a salute to the brave (insane?) people who continue to call the continent of Australia their home.