This Dude Made Love to a Tree and Tried to Stab a Cop Because of a Terrible New Drug

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The substance is called Flakka, and apparently it makes bath salts look tame in comparison. This guy here reportedly did the nasty with a tree, claimed he was Thor, and then attempted to stab a police officer with his own badge before being taken town.

Remember kids: Winners don't use drugs, and neither do Asgardian deities.

Today in Kanye: A Convict is Sueing to Keep the Kanye and Kim Out of Florida

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TMZ reported April 8 that an inmate has taken a case to court to keep Florida rid of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

"Wayne Albright -- who's been locked up since 2000 for attempted sexual assault -- claims Florida needs protection from the couple he calls 'Meat Whistles' and 'Moose Knuckles.'

Albright shows abject contempt for the famous duo, declaring the only tolerable Kardashian is Rob, who's 'eating himself out of house and home, no doubt from the shame he feels as a result of what Kim has done to the Kardashian name.'"

Albright seeks a temporary restraining order against the family, protecting the fragile coastal ecosystem from the terrible disruption Kayne can cause.

He wants to "ban these two Moose Knuckles from appearing on any television programs aired in the state of Florida, unless it's Court TV and they're on trial for posing as a famous couple."

Speaking to the judge, Albright said, "You have your work cut out for you ... so what do you say? Make us all proud."

Jurassic Park is in Florida, if This Huge Roaming Gator is Any Indication

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This prehistoric beast was found tromping around a golf course in Florida, perfectly content with chilling out in the open. Anybody know where Chris Pratt is so he can wrangle this thing?

Here are some more images of the beast from the Myakka Pines Golf Course:



Oh hey, how did this get here...

Meet the Criminal Who Had the Honesty to Put Down "Drug Dealer" as His Occupation

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From NBC Miami:

A West Palm Beach, Florida, man listed his occupation on an arrest report as "drug dealer,'' police say.

Deputies say 25-year-old Robert Phillips was arrested Tuesday after he cut in front of an unmarked Palm Beach County Sheriff's car and nearly caused a crash. A records check found that Phillips was driving a stolen car.

Meet Captain Hornblaster, The Star of Election Day in Florida

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Rick Scott may have won the race for Florida governor, but a mysterious masked man is stealing his thunder.

Interrupting on air news reporters is an age old tradition, and now thanks to Florida, we have our latest contender in the battle to become the next viral sensation: Captain Hornblaster.

ABC Action News reporter Sarina Fazan was busy discussing Charlie Crist, when he appeared behind her shouting his name.

Fazan was unphased, but a few questions remain: What is the true identity of Mr. Hornblaster, and will he be running in 2016?