pooping

Warning: language.

Dollar Shave Club has the solution to your poopy problems: One Wipe Charlies! The softest, cleanest, fastest manliest way to handle your business.

We're thinking of moving him to employee workspaces next.

Let's say you spend ten minutes a day on the pot at work. Five out of seven days a week are work days, which makes 260 days a year. Subtract two weeks (ten work days) for paid vacation and throw in some more off days for holidays, and you end up with around 240 work days left over. Based on this, if you work at a job for 10 years at the median American personal hourly income of $16.57 an hour (source: U.S. Department of Labor) working a typical eight hour day, that adds up to $132.56. Based on our ten-minute average (or 1/48 of a work day), that's $2.76 earned for every poop session. Multiply that by the work days in a year, and the years in a career, and voila:

You would earn $3,314.00 in a five-year career while pooping. You would earn $6,629.00 in a ten-year career while pooping. You would earn $13,255.00 in a 20-year career while pooping. You would earn $26,512.00 in a 40-year career while pooping.

If you saved these earnings over a 40-year time frame with tax exemption as long as the funds aren't withdrawn, based on today's mutual fund NAVs, your savings would total just shy of $103,000.

That's enough to cover the median sales price of houses in six states.

Time for a bathroom break!

The best part is the toilet. That's the smallest toilet I've ever seen. If I sat on that, I'd feel even more like a bootlicking insignificant hive worker who enrages the team leader with each second wasted on personal issues like pooping.

~Office Lackey Jack