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This insufferable douchecanoe looks like James Franco, so it's all good. Except not. Not at all. 

A+ act of trolling here! 

This man is a legend, as is the lady who delivers the pizza!

You can't make this sh*t up. This immaculate, far-fetched Twitter thread will forever be the gift that keeps on giving. We're glad they were able to track down the culprit by the tale's end. 

It must be wonderful to have this level of ignorant confidence. 

Jimmy Johns out here going above and beyond for 5-start customer service! 

As it unsurprisingly turns out, Michael Jackson's "Thriller" date was pretty damn terrifying from the girl's perspective. 

Talk about one thrilling emotional rollercoaster with a deep relief of an ending.