tank top

"I wasn't ready for this shirt.
I bought it for a 4th of July party, thinking it would be a fun gag shirt. Little did I know. I pulled it out of the box and immediately sank to my knees and wept tears of pure joy, and by "pure joy" I mean "pure Jack Daniel's". I strapped it on and my bench press increased by a 100lbs. [sic] I whipped [sic] the whisky from my face, looked in the mirror, and in my reflection I saw him behind me.
George Washington. Looking stern and powerful. He nodded once, an affirmation. I knew what I had to do.
I flung myself from the bathroom window and this shirt literally turned me into a bald eagle. I flew over Iraq and pooped tomahawk missiles on ISIS positions, then I flew back home and turned into a 1967 Pontiac GTO and drove all night until I arrived at P**town. Population: Me.

Step 1: Glue pubes to forehead Step 2: ??? Step 3: Profit

And by work I mean strip club. And by strip club I mean the unmarked dumpster behind the Jiffy Lube.

It's like getting second hand clothes... from yourself.

Using an intense mathematical algorithm, we can now determine your shirt size using only the ratios available to us in your burned and un-burned skin!