(I had wrapped a bottle of wine to give to my grandfather as a Christmas Present) Me: Merry Christmas, Grandad! Grandad: (without opening it) Oh, lovely! A jumbo size pack of condoms! Just what I needed! Grandmother: That's an oddly shaped box of condoms... Grandad: (pointing to his crotch) Hey, they haven't seen the shape of this yet!
From the Submitter: "Thank goodness he mentioned my awesome driving skills after the part about how much I love me some wine. Because if there is one thing I am not, sir, that is a bad tipsy driver. Also, yes, these were read aloud in class."
(Little brother picks up mom's wine glass from the counter): Uncle Ralph: DON'T DRINK THAT! (Takes it away.) Me: Good job! Uncle Ralph: (Returns with can of beer) This is a MAN'S drink! Chug it!
