troll

*phone rings* Me: *answers* This is road kill cafe you kill we grill it, this is Sam speaking! Mom's boyfriend: *hangs up* Mom: Why'd you do that!? Me: Don't worry he'll be by to pick up his fried raccoon in an hour.

(Christmas morning. I open a present to what I think is a new iphone) Me: You got me an iphone? I can't believe it! Dad: Just open it and see. (I proceed to ope iPhone box) Me: There is a picture of an iphone... But no phone... Dad: Exactly! Me: Why would you go through all of this trouble just to crush my dreams? Dad: Get used to a life of disappointment

(When I was younger, walking down the street and we passed a group of guys when one spits on the floor) Grandmother: You gonna pick that up punk? Guy: WHAT? Grandmother: Yeah, I'm gonna stay here untill you clean it up! Guy: How do you want me to do that? Grandmother: LICK IT UP OR SOMETHING! (Grandma keeps staring at him until the guy cleans it off of the street.)