sexy times

Mum: Are you a lesbian? That would be gross. Me: Didnt you tell me you dated a lesbian for six months? Mum: Yes, but we never went beyond kissing. She wanted to stay virgin until married.

(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...

Me: I am way more romantic than you, Mom. Mom: Just because you read all those romance novels? You haven't even had sex. Me: No, I meant that you just don't act romantic. I wasn't talking about sex. Mom: I've had more sex than you, so HA!

(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.

Mom: Don't sleep with anyone. Me: I know, I know. Mom: No, I'm serious, they don't look that good naked. God didn't do a very good job when he put them together.