Me: I am way more romantic than you, Mom. Mom: Just because you read all those romance novels? You haven't even had sex. Me: No, I meant that you just don't act romantic. I wasn't talking about sex. Mom: I've had more sex than you, so HA!
(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...
Mum: Are you a lesbian? That would be gross. Me: Didnt you tell me you dated a lesbian for six months? Mum: Yes, but we never went beyond kissing. She wanted to stay virgin until married.
(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.
Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge? Dad: What are you going to use it for? Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals. Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want
(At a holiday gathering, a cheese plate is set out.) Dad: Hey, honey, come here. Try this cheese. Me: I don't really like blue cheese. Dad: No, no, just try it. Me: (Trying the cheese, disgusted.) Blugh, it tastes really weird. I don't like it. Dad (pulls me aside): Your uncles and I all agree that that cheese tastes like our wives.
