(While watching mom hang stockings) Me: Mom, you only have two kids, why are you hanging six stockings? Mom: Well, two are for the dogs, three for the cats, and one for the bird. Me: So where's Sister's stocking? And mine? Mom: Oh like I'm getting gifts for you two.
(My dad, the night before I'm set to leave for a week-long field trip with my school): When you're gone, I'm going to dance with the cat. And we're going to dance to Lady Gaga, because I was born this way.
Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge? Dad: What are you going to use it for? Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals. Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want
Don't stop the toddler from eating dog food! Take a picture and post it to Facebook instead!
"Haha! I've got you now you- OH GOD HALP I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!"
