Me: So Mom, whats your New Year's resoloution? Mom: (looks up slowly) New year..... New sexuality (goes back to TV)
(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spits everything on him) Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE! Mom: That's right dear.
Mom: I wonder what I can get your Dad for Christmas. Me(being silly): Your Mother! Mom: He doesn't want THAT.
(Driving down the road nice and smoothly with my dad. Soon traffic hits and we come to an almost stop.) Dad: What are we stopped for? A sex toy party? Me: Wha...? Dad: I brake for edible underwear!
(At a holiday gathering, a cheese plate is set out.) Dad: Hey, honey, come here. Try this cheese. Me: I don't really like blue cheese. Dad: No, no, just try it. Me: (Trying the cheese, disgusted.) Blugh, it tastes really weird. I don't like it. Dad (pulls me aside): Your uncles and I all agree that that cheese tastes like our wives.
Stepdad: When I die, have me cremated. Then, put my ashes in the compost. Me: Why would we put you in the compost? Stepdad: So you can put it on the vegetables and eat me! Mom: No! I'm not eating you! Not when you're dead anyway. Me: o.o
Dad: Don't go into the dark, the Boogie Man will get you. Me: You're the Boogie man, and the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny Dad: Don't talk about my sex life.
Mom: Can I have some ice cream? Dad: Erm... Mom: I'll give you sex.
(At the the gym with my father, to end off our workout we decide to use the rowing machine. He's new at this and immediately starts going as fast and as hard as he can on the machine) Me: Dad, calm down by, you might start off with a big bang but you will be dead in like 30 seconds. I hope you're not like that in the sack! Father: Listen, I might not be able to go deep but I can beat the sides off her in those 30 seconds!
(Sister helping me with Chemistry in the front room when Mother grooves into the room, singing) Mother: I am the queen of vagina, I am queen of promiscuous, I am queen of gen- Me: Mum! What the futz?! Mother: It's not everyday you find a song you relate to! Leave me alone! (continues singing)
(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...
(Talking to my 9-year-old brother) Me: Hey, do you know who is coming on Saturday night? Mom: Your Dad, if he's lucky.
