holidays

(After a family party. Aunt and Uncle are getting ready to leave and are picking up left overs.) Uncle: Hey, Sher, we gonna take this fruit home? Gay uncle: Uh, I'm standing right here!

Me (7 Year old): Mom, what if aliens landed in the back yard, ate all our food, and left? Dad: Sounds like our relatives. Mom: (Glares at dad)

(In the living room about 15 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner with 20 family members and Grandma.) Gram: I think somebody farted. Younger Brother: You know what they say Gram, they who smelled it, dealt it. Gram: (laughs) That's true. (*Pause*) Gram; No, I was wrong, somebody's crapped themselves.

Dad: Don't go into the dark, the Boogie Man will get you. Me: You're the Boogie man, and the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny Dad: Don't talk about my sex life.

(We are Jewish. For those of you who don't know, it's a Christmas tradition for Jews to eat Chinese food and see a movie on Christmas, since there's nothing else to do. It's currently a week before Christmas, and we don't know what to eat.) Dad: Maybe we should do Chinese tonight instead of for Christmas. Mom: Honey, DON'T ruin my Christmas!

(After my 4-year-old got in trouble she came up to her father.) 4yr old: Am I on the naughty list? Father: With the way you've been acting, you probably are. 4yr old: *Thinks for a moment* Not if I kill Santa.