(I had wrapped a bottle of wine to give to my grandfather as a Christmas Present) Me: Merry Christmas, Grandad! Grandad: (without opening it) Oh, lovely! A jumbo size pack of condoms! Just what I needed! Grandmother: That's an oddly shaped box of condoms... Grandad: (pointing to his crotch) Hey, they haven't seen the shape of this yet!
(There was a priest who visited my great-grandfather after my great-uncle died. He was looking at my great-grandfather's garden.) Priest: Are those pansies out there? Great-Grandfather: Can I tell you a secret? Priest: Sure, that's what I'm here for. Great-Grandfather: It's Hungarian marijuana.
(My friend and I were visiting her granddad (who I haven't met before). Other guests include my friend's aunt and her two year old daughter. We are just discussing about how long kids should keep their pacifiers.) Granddad: In a few years she'll suck on something completely different. Everybody: GRANDDAD! Granddad: What, I meant her thumb!
(My 70-something year old grandparents were telling me of a time that they were stalked by a mountain lion during a family campout.) Grandma: So there we were just strolling through the forest whe- Grandpa: No, YOU were strolling, I was walking like a MAN!
(Recently after my grandfather's funeral.) Family friend: I heard you buried your father. Dad: Had to. Dead, you know?
(Grandma scolding me for having girlfriend's name tattooed on my arm.) Grandma: You just wait until your grandfather sees it. (Grandpa walks in the room and looks at tattoo.) Grandpa: Oh... Wow, that looks way better then mine!
(Seeing woman wearing a mini skirt in the middle of winter) Me: Jeez lady put some pants on. Grandpa: Why? I like it. Me: Grandpa! Grandpa: What? Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
