drugs

(There was a priest who visited my great-grandfather after my great-uncle died. He was looking at my great-grandfather's garden.) Priest: Are those pansies out there? Great-Grandfather: Can I tell you a secret? Priest: Sure, that's what I'm here for. Great-Grandfather: It's Hungarian marijuana.

12-Year-Old Brother: (Playing Mario Kart Wii with me) Come in behind me and I'll shoot you a mushshroom. Dad: Anal prostitution for drugs is not allowed in this household!

(Discussing Breaking Bad) Me: You're not a chemist so your meth wouldn't be like glass. Dad: Yeah, you need ketchup with my meth.

(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...

(My mom, while looking at the price of caviar this year.) Mom: WHAT?! you can get COCAINE cheaper than this!

(Meow from outside door) Mom: I hear a kitty! (Opens door) Mom: Wait, where's the kitty? Was there ever a kitty? Am I on drugs?

(Me and my uncle walking through a park he's 23 and I'm 17.) Uncle: *Points to a group of bushes*. That's where me and your auntie had sex for the first time. Me: I didn't need to know that. Uncle: Yep, we were both 14 and drunk and stoned out of our heads. Me: Wow... So many laws broken, that's true love right there...