dad humor

(Me brushing my teeth) (Gargling, Dad walks in holds my nose and says) Dad: Swallow! Me: (Spits everything on him) Dad: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! EVERYONE SWALLOWS IN THIS HOUSE! Mom: That's right dear.

(A while ago, when I was a young child.) Me: What's plastic surgery? Dad: It's when they take out your lungs and dip them in corn syrup.

Dad: If you get that girl pregnant you have to name the kid Fruitloop. Me: Why? Dad: I lost a bet.

(My mom had just gone into the freezer for the 5th time in the last hour to get a cup of ice.) Dad: Hey! If you keep doing that, you'll get addicted to the ice. From there, you'll move on to snow... Then you'll hit the hard stuff, like sleet. Me: And hail after that? Dad: Oh god... let's not go down that road...

(My dad coming in, seeing I'm on facebook instead of doing my math homework.) Dad: If you don't start doing your math, you'll turn into a zombie. *leaves* Me: What just happened?

Me (7 Year old): Mom, what if aliens landed in the back yard, ate all our food, and left? Dad: Sounds like our relatives. Mom: (Glares at dad)

Me: Dad, I can't remember what RNA is! Dad: Remember, RNA is sort of like an aggressive date. Me: ... Huh? Dad: It helps unzip your genes! Ha!

Mom: What's that lump on your neck son? (after noticing a weird lump on my brother's neck) Dad: Isn't that his head?

Me: According to the lab I did, you and mom can't be homozygous dominant for ALU. Dad: Baby, I ain't homo nothing. Me: Creeeepy.

Me: Mum, can I use the tuna in the fridge? Dad: What are you going to use it for? Me: (sarcastically) I'm going to smear it on my genitals. Dad: Mind the cat, that's the kind of pussy you don't want

(Christmas morning. I open a present to what I think is a new iphone) Me: You got me an iphone? I can't believe it! Dad: Just open it and see. (I proceed to ope iPhone box) Me: There is a picture of an iphone... But no phone... Dad: Exactly! Me: Why would you go through all of this trouble just to crush my dreams? Dad: Get used to a life of disappointment