(While I'm getting ready for work.) Dad: Hey, did you get some coffee? I don't want your white collar ass passing out at your desk. Me: Yeah, I tried it this morning and it was weak sauce. Dad: Weak!? I'm insulted! Just a sec. (comes back with a tumbler of coffee.) No cream this time. That stuff's for wimps. Me:(takes a sip of perfect brew) Wow! It's like a punch in the face! What did you do to it? Dad: F**king Alchemy and Black Magic, Bitch!
(My Dad and I at Burger King) Dad: I want a whopper with extra bacon, I want a large fry, I want two cokes, and I want it delivered to my table by a Brazilian hooker. Cashier: What? Dad: YOU HEARD ME! I WANT TO HAVE IT MY WAY!
(*Me, texting my Dad*) Me: So can I keep the cat inside the house? Dad: I'll have to ask the Magic Conch.
(Driving down the road nice and smoothly with my dad. Soon traffic hits and we come to an almost stop.) Dad: What are we stopped for? A sex toy party? Me: Wha...? Dad: I brake for edible underwear!
