Genetics

Me doing my bio-chem homework: Mom, do you know how to make DNA strands and put them through protein synthesis? Mom: Well, I had sex with your dad and now we have you. That was the worst lesson of genetics I ever had to live through... Me: Oh Jesus...

(Grandma scolding me for having girlfriend's name tattooed on my arm.) Grandma: You just wait until your grandfather sees it. (Grandpa walks in the room and looks at tattoo.) Grandpa: Oh... Wow, that looks way better then mine!

(Somehow my mom and I ended up talking about penises, I was trying to change subject.) Me: Anyways how was- Mom: Just so you know you're not allowed to marry a man with a small penis. Me: ...what? Mom: Yeah. I don't want any small penises messing up our family genes. Me: What?! Mom: What? Do you really want me to tell you about your father's? Me: No! No, No. No. Mom: Cause he was huuuuge! Me: Oh my God, mom!

Me: I'm going to discipline my kids better when I have them. I'm going to lock them in a closet. Mom: Oh... That's what I did with you...