crime

Mike Rowe needs you to hear him loud, and hear him clear, when he tells you he's not robbing banks.

The former 'Dirty Jobs' Host and 'Deadliest Catch' narrator's under a great deal of scrutiny after an image of what appears as Mike Rowe from a frickin parallel universe, holding up a bank, surfaced. The resemblance is uncanny, in every sense of the word.

The rumors went viral after various folks across Facebook joked that this was a maddened, wild ploy by Rowe to kickstart a new season of 'Dirty Jobs.'

Rowe was quick to the punch and fought to quell the fast uprising of these rumors by releasing an alibi on his Facebook page: "For what it's worth, I was in Kansas Monday, and can prove it, if need be."

Rowe went on to bury himself in a bit of a hole by offering up something of an outlandish theory, "what if the thief was not an idiot, but a clever person of below average height wearing a Mike Rowe Mask?"

Alright. Will the real Mike Rowe please stand up?

The Roselle, Illinois police department posting a picture of a car with a 15-foot tree sticking out of it on their Facebook page with this description:

A few weeks ago, a Roselle police officer saw a car driving southbound on Roselle Road with a 15-foot tree embedded in the front grill of the car. After stopping the driver, he also noticed the airbags had been deployed (apparently from hitting the tree). After an investigation, the Roselle officer arrested the driver for Driving Under the Influence of Alcohol.

Yet another reason why you should not drink and drive!

This dashcam video actually shows her driving around with the tree sticking out of her car:

Sit down Neil McCabe.

"It's just part of life, I think," proposes McCabe at one point, when he's confronted with the unavoidable fact that more than 130 people have already died from gun violence in the U.S. this year.

This is where Snow channels his inner GoT Jon Snow, and goes off in the most effective, yet vaguely stoic way possible.

"No, it's part of death, Mr. McCabe," responds Snow. "That's death. That's dead people, people who have died as a result of guns."

Stand up. Now leave Neil McCabe.

Brought to you fresh and fried out of Lecanto, Florida, The Citrus County Sheriff's Office arrested a woman on shoplifting and drug paraphernalia charges. She was apprehended amidst a shopping cart fueled joyride out of hell.

The woman's been identified as Josseleen Elida Lopez, 25. Lopez was held after scarfing down $32.36 worth of food and wine. She told the authorities she's homeless.

If you're going to hit rock bottom, at least eat some chicken, and wash it down with some wine right? In all seriousness we wish Lopez the best on her road to recovery. Deputies disclosed to the press that they found two empty syringes after arresting Lopez, which she claims she used to inject crystal meth.

Stupid is not a strong enough word to describe these alleged jewelry thieves.

Police say a man and woman were arrested this weekend in Palm Springs after stealing a bracelet and ring from an art studio. And how were they caught?

They signed the guest book.

Megan Ohara, 24, and David Ziskoski, 19, were arrested for allegedly stealing the jewelry, which was valued at $6,000.

Here's how it went down, according to the Sun Sentinel:

When confronted, Ohara told police she had the items in her purse. She gave the officers the ring and bracelet, and subsequently, she and Ziskoski were arrested.

As officers arrived back to the gallery, the artist said he had noticed something in his gallery's guestbook. Someone had written multiple fake email entries into the guestbook, including "wedidnttakeit@gmail.com," according to the arrest report.

Two of the fake emails included the name "Meg" and one included Ohara's phone number next to it. Also on the page was a drawing of male genitalia and a woman's face labeled as "Meg."

Someone get these two a Darwin Award, stat!