crime

Brought to you fresh and fried out of Lecanto, Florida, The Citrus County Sheriff's Office arrested a woman on shoplifting and drug paraphernalia charges. She was apprehended amidst a shopping cart fueled joyride out of hell.

The woman's been identified as Josseleen Elida Lopez, 25. Lopez was held after scarfing down $32.36 worth of food and wine. She told the authorities she's homeless.

If you're going to hit rock bottom, at least eat some chicken, and wash it down with some wine right? In all seriousness we wish Lopez the best on her road to recovery. Deputies disclosed to the press that they found two empty syringes after arresting Lopez, which she claims she used to inject crystal meth.

Sit down Neil McCabe.

"It's just part of life, I think," proposes McCabe at one point, when he's confronted with the unavoidable fact that more than 130 people have already died from gun violence in the U.S. this year.

This is where Snow channels his inner GoT Jon Snow, and goes off in the most effective, yet vaguely stoic way possible.

"No, it's part of death, Mr. McCabe," responds Snow. "That's death. That's dead people, people who have died as a result of guns."

Stand up. Now leave Neil McCabe.

The poor fella needed protection from the protection he so adamantly, and somehow recklessly tried to acquire.

ABC News reports the 29-year-old man and a couple his buddies planned to steal the condoms by blowing the rubbers vending machine to smithereens.

Amidst the explosion the three fools took shelter in a car nearby, but the victim failed to close his door, and took a fatal shot to the noggin from a flying piece of metal.

The Roselle, Illinois police department posting a picture of a car with a 15-foot tree sticking out of it on their Facebook page with this description:

A few weeks ago, a Roselle police officer saw a car driving southbound on Roselle Road with a 15-foot tree embedded in the front grill of the car. After stopping the driver, he also noticed the airbags had been deployed (apparently from hitting the tree). After an investigation, the Roselle officer arrested the driver for Driving Under the Influence of Alcohol.

Yet another reason why you should not drink and drive!

This dashcam video actually shows her driving around with the tree sticking out of her car:

Mike Rowe needs you to hear him loud, and hear him clear, when he tells you he's not robbing banks.

The former 'Dirty Jobs' Host and 'Deadliest Catch' narrator's under a great deal of scrutiny after an image of what appears as Mike Rowe from a frickin parallel universe, holding up a bank, surfaced. The resemblance is uncanny, in every sense of the word.

The rumors went viral after various folks across Facebook joked that this was a maddened, wild ploy by Rowe to kickstart a new season of 'Dirty Jobs.'

Rowe was quick to the punch and fought to quell the fast uprising of these rumors by releasing an alibi on his Facebook page: "For what it's worth, I was in Kansas Monday, and can prove it, if need be."

Rowe went on to bury himself in a bit of a hole by offering up something of an outlandish theory, "what if the thief was not an idiot, but a clever person of below average height wearing a Mike Rowe Mask?"

Alright. Will the real Mike Rowe please stand up?

Sometimes we lose ourselves amidst the pursuit to catch 'em all...Let's just hope that this fool over in Milford, Michigan wasn't actually trying to catch a Parasect before he was apprehended by police authorities. 

Chief Thomas Lindberg said the man (William Wilcox) just made it easy, by showing up. Wilcox, a repeat offender with a warrant out for his arrest, ended up right in front of the men that'd go on to take him into custody.

"It was a misdemeanor warrant for a failure to appear on a breaking and entering charge," Lindberg said. "They approached him. Took him in custody without incident and he admitted he was trying to catch the character at the flagpole."